Pooky is here, Where is Garfield?

Sunday, May 30, 2004

I recommend that everyone see Shrek 2. Watched that on the weekend and just laughed most of the time. In some respects think it is funnier than the first one. Again they did the take offs of the latests movies. Spiderman and LOTR and others.

I have placed my order in for Garfield movie. Since they have changed their minds about a world wide release on June 25th to Australia not getting it till September. Bugger Bugger Bugger.

But in general I had a nice weekend and so did Angel. He had a little playmate for the whole weekend, but I think he is happy to be back home playing with his own cars. lol. Sometimes it is nice to spend time away from the house. Have a few laughs and drinks with other adults and know there is nothing else that is going to happen. All being innocent.

Guy who fixed my puter last time was up there asking about my puter. Told him all the hassles and he told me to start saving up for new HD. Not happy about that idea. HD only 15 months old. That will teach me for going to dodgy places for puter parts. So told him all the bits I want in my new puter and he said he would get me a price. hehehehehehe.

Been getting pricing parts from an email list I am on and hmmmm. Lots of saving. Kick arse graphics card, 200 gig HD, DVD burner, the general stuff. But me thinking upgrade big cause it will be another 7 years before I upgrade again. lol. Just see how far my budget will stretch I guess. grrrrrr.

Well off for cuppa and watch our "family" movie.

ttfn

xxoo

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Well dunno what I did but I can access web pages again. Fiddled with a few settings and boom. Me is back in business again. Makes me a happy little girlie. Me is lost without my puter. Doesn't take much to keep this little girlie happy.

Today was a weird day. Filled with funny things that I guess I am ment to take seriously and some gross things. What some woman do in thier spare time is not only ouch but ewwwww factor majorly. Made me feel sick to the tummy.

Got my weekend viewing of dvds then my mum to remind me I am ment to be going out for celebratory drinkies at my sister's house. She got a new job. Finally she can stop working in the shit hole that she works at now. Just means I have to buy my own chocy now. Bugger.

Seems most people that I am chatting to are having better weeks. New jobs, stuff sorted out, extra money, love affairs rekindled and a surprise marriage propsal. If they are unhappy for any reason it is because they are sick with the flue. Keeping my distance away from anyone that is sick. lol Germ sick.

Well time to snuggle under the blankets and keep warm. Play me new cd I was kindly given today. Just chill out for a while.

ttfn

xxoo

This week is shaping up a lot better than last week. Slowely getting things sorted out and fixed up.

Thought Monday was a total waste of time until I got a phone call that sorted a problem out. People playing BS games and some how I got draged into it.

One thing people will learn about me is that you piss my friends off then you piss me off. I will stand up and go hey if I know/think what I am hearing is total BS. Felt a bit edgy standing up to two people yesterday cause I knew if I did not do it right it could mean more trouble. But felt better that I did it. Just because one of the people wanted a free ride and left someone out in the cold was not right. I don't get involved in these sorts of dealings cause it has nothing to do with me, but when I have gotten the blame for the reason they left person out in the cold then the claws are out.

But yesterday was a good day. My little mate had to work someone where else so we could not do our usual thing. But next week we should be able to. He is always fun to work with.

Knew yesterday was going to be good cause heard some super news on my travels. I love hearing about people that are in love and that things are going great. And this is happening for one of my close friends. It is excellent news.

One person once was a little thingy about telling me cause she thought it would get me upset cause I don't have anyone at the moment. If friends are hppy then I am happy. My time will come. Not in super hurry as yet. Don't really need to be one of the crowd.

Had funny sms from mum. Body found near my place and mum thinking that I had either killed my neighbour or my ex. lol. I am innocent this time. lol

Is there any computer techy heads that would not mind being bribed to come over for a meal. lol. Can anyone explain to me why it is I can only visit web pages through my favourites and not ones that I type in????

Oh well off to see if I can run a muck.

See if I can get into more trouble. lol

ttfn

xxoo

Sunday, May 23, 2004

To true for me

Getting set for another busy week. Appointments, sorting more mess out and other bits and pieces.

Going to ask friends help with letter writing in the hope it may help me get outta here. Good thing about me having different last name to my mum. She is going to write letter out about my dickhead neighbour and all the noise he makes.

I know with the crap my neighbour pulls it has driven men away or made them hesitant on comming over. I have company for a bit of the night and I get huge amounts of noise for the next few days. Varying from drilling at 2 am to slaming of doors at 4am. Any thing that would really piss me off. One night started a sander at 10.30 at night till 2am. I guess it is my fault cause I knocked back his generous offer of mowing my lawns. Was only going to cost me 4 head jobs a time.

Once he passed comment about me being a slut when one of my "friends" rocked up and "friend" got back in car and drove home. Never spoke to him since.

As much as all this shit pisses me off I still prefer to get on with things and have "friends" over. I would rather spend time with "friends" and put up with all the crap. Cause for the time that "friends" are here nothing else matters. I can block the outside crap for a while. I know the dickhead is too gutless to do anything while another guy is here. Only starts up when he knows guy is gone. Thankfully mum has been here when the crap is going on so she can help me out there.

Tried doing something threw the right channels and that was a waste of time. HT pass it on to cops and cops hand it back to HT. HT know about all this behaviour as he did this shit to the last woman that was here.

Know some of you know my despration of getting outta here. And with my ex floating around again. Has me puzzled why. But on full alert. Last Wednesday night took to sleeping in the spare bed in Angels room so I knew he was safe. I know he blames Angel for our relationship break up.

I know one friend wants to "speak" to him. That would be all good if I knew where the prick lived. I would get someone to look after Angel and go and do it myself.

One thing that really pissed me off during the week was so called mates knowing that I was not doing as well this past week and thinking that I was going to totally loose it and hurt Angel.

Anyone with half a brain that truely knows me knows that I live and breathe my Angel. I always put him first. I go with out necessaties so that Angel can have what he needs. Or what would keep Angel happy. I wanted to lean over and thump them. I guess it all comes under the "single mother syndrome". When ever we stress out we take it out on the kids. If I ever felt I was that stressed out that I could be prone to that I would ask four people to see which one would take Angel for a few hours so I could chill out. These four people I know I can trust with Angel. I am extemely fussy about who I would let look after Angel.

Well time to compose myself and think of friends with letters after their names (would look better with letters. gumble grumble grumble) and work out what I need to do and say for the rest of the week.

ttfn

Oh here is another nice email too for you reading pleasure after reading dribble.

THE ONE FLAW IN WOMEN:

By the time the Lord made woman, he was into his sixth day of working overtime. An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one? "And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart-and she will do everything with only two hands." The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands!? No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish." "But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already ! heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days." The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord." "She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish." "Will she be able to think?", asked the angel. The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate." The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one." "That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!" "What's the tear for?" the angel asked. The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride." The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord! . You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing."

And she is! Women have strengths that amaze men.

They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in.

They stand up to injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.

They bring joy, hope and love.

They have compassion and ideals.

They give moral support to their family and friends.

Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Saturday, May 22, 2004

Tonight celbrating 2 years of single hood. Bugger. Longest time I have been without someone (adult) special. But having fun picking from the smorgers board before I settle for the main meal.

Cleaning out my puter since it is dying ever so slowly. Hence all the jokes.

Hope you enjoy them

xxoo

A Glimpse Into the Future
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?"
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."
Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's
6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302, and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"
Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas."
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."
Customer: "Damn. What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it."
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all right . Give me two family-sized ones, then."
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. Your total is $49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit."
Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."
Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."
Customer: "How the hell do you know I'm riding a bike?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up.
Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!&?#!"
Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics."

FEMALES VS MALES:
1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $ 32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
6. CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children.
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
AND FINALLY.....
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Subject: Interesting

AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT
Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's
accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story.
Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional Information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause
of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was Working
alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work,
I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were
found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks
down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley,
which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the Barrel out
and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope,
holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note
in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity
of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward
at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull,
minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of
the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping Until
the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and Was able
to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed
approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can
imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the
vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts
for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my
legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The
encounter with the Barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries
when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae
were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile
of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and
presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the
empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.
This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
Kevin Roben
Wagga Glass & Aluminium Pty Ltd

I wish you enough

At an airport I overheard a father and daughter in their last moments together. They had announced her plane's departure, and standing near the door, he said to his daughter, "I love you. I wish you enough."

She said, "Daddy, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Daddy." They kissed good-bye and she left.

He walked over toward the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy; but he welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?

"Yes, I have," I replied. Saying that brought back memories I had of expressing my love and appreciation for all my Dad had done for me.

Recognizing that his days were limited, I took the time to tell him face-to-face how much he meant to me. So I knew what this man was experiencing.

"Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?" I asked.
"I am old and she lives much too far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is, her next trip back will be for my funeral," he said.

"When you were saying good-bye I heard you say, 'I wish you enough.' "May I ask what that means?" He began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone."

He paused for a moment-and looking up as if trying to remember it in detail, he smiled even more. "When we said 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with enough good things to sustain them," he continued, and then turning toward me, he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory.

"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.

I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough 'Hello's' to get you through the final 'Good-bye.'

He then began to sob and walked away.

They say, "It takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them." Send this to the people you'll never forget and also remember to send it to the person who sent it to you. It's a short message to let them know that you'll never forget them.

If you don't send it to anyone, it means you're in a hurry and that you've forgotten your friends. Take the time to live...!!! My friends and loved ones, I wish you ENOUGH.

This only takes a minute and it's fun. Please don't be a bore and ruin it. Send it on to everyone you know including the person who sent it to you. Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. Here is your dose...

Follow the instructions to find your new name. The following is an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants" by Dave Pilkey. The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...

Use the THIRD LETTER of your FIRST NAME to determine your new first name: a = poopsie b = lumpy c = buttercup d = gidget e = crusty f= greasy g = fluffy h = cheeseball i = chim-chim j = stinky k = flunky l = boobie m = pinky n= zippy o = goober p = doofus q = slimy r = loopy s = snotty t = tootie u = dorkey v =squeezit w = oprah x = skipper y = dinky z = zsa-zsa

Use the SECOND LETTER letter of your LAST NAME to determine the first half of your new last name: a = apple b = toilet c = giggle d = burger e = girdle f ºrf g = lizard h = waffle i = cootie j = monkey k = potty l = liver m = banana n =rhino o = bubble p = hamster q = toad r = gizzard s = pizza t = gerbil u = chicken v =pickle w = chuckle x = tofu y = gorilla z = stinker

Use the FOURTH LETTER of your LAST NAME to determine the second half of your new last name: a = head b = mouth c = face d = nose e = tush f = breath g = pants h = shorts i = lips j = honker k = butt l = brain m = tushie n =chunks o = hiney p = biscuits q = toes r = buns s = fanny t = sniffer u = sprinkles v =kisser w = squirt x = humper y = brains z = juice

Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is Goober Chickenshorts. Julia Robert's new name is Boobie Bubbletush. Tom Cruise is Pinky Gizzardlips. Now when you SEND THIS ON...use your new name as the subject. And remember that children laugh an average of 146 times a day; adults laugh an average of 4 times a day. Put more laughter in your life!!

Dalai Lama's visit to Canada
Instructions for Life in the new millennium from the Dalai Lama:
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, respect for others and responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go some place you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
*this next bit is up to you*
Do not keep this message. The mantra must leave your hands within 96 hours. You will get a very pleasant surprise (this is true even if you are not superstitious) if you send it to:
0-4 people: Your life will improve slightly. 5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking.
9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks. 15 people and above: Your life will improve drastically and everything you ever dreamed of will begin to take shape

People day

Angels with attitudes

Chuckle for Today......These are purported to be actual test answers from various schools in the Huntsville, Alabama metropolitan area:

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vineagar.

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire..

Q. What is a planet?
A. A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q. (Sociology) What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Thinks for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
A. The body is consisted into three parts--the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E. I, O and U.

Q. What is a fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does "varicose" mean.
A. Nearby

Q. Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A. The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman emporer.

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. What does the word "benign" mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you are eight.

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q. What is a Hindu?
A. It lays eggs.

Take a couple of minutes to take this test & see what happens!
If you are honest this tells the truth - it's pretty good.
Write your answers on a piece of paper, and NO cheating!!
The answers are at the bottom..
1. Which is your favourite colour: red, black, blue, green, or
yellow?
2. Your first initial?
3. Your month of birth?
4. Which colour do you like more, black or white?
5. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.
6. Your favourite number?
7. Do you like California or Florida more?
8. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?
9. Write down a wish (a realistic one).
When you're done, scroll down. (Don't cheat)
Answers
1. If you choose: Red - You are alert and your life is full of love. Black-you are conservative and aggressive. Green
-your soul is relaxed and you are laid back Blue - you are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love.
Yellow- you are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.
2. If your initial is: A-K You have a lot of love and friendships in your life. L-R You try to enjoy your life to the maximum and your love life is soon to blossom. S-Z You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.
3. If you were born in: Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
April-June: You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever.
July-Sep: You will have a great year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good.
Oct-Dec: Your love life will not be too great, but eventually you will find your soul mate..
4. If you chose.. . Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you , and you will be glad for the change. White: You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.
5. This person is your best friend.
6. This is how many close friends you have in your lifetime.
7. If you chose: California: You like adventure. Florida: You are a laid back person.
8. If you chose: Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved. Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.

9. This wish will come true only if you send this to five people in one hour. Send it to ten people, and it will come true before your next Birthday!

RULES OF LIFE

Sometimes we need to remember WHAT the Rules of Life really are.

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the duct tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.

8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. And finally; Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

hehehe

nice

Tough Love vs. Spanking

Most of America's populace thinks it very improper to spank children, so my spouse and I have tried other methods to control our kids when they have one of
"those moments".

One that we found very effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.

They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our little car ride together.

I've included the photo below of one of my sessions, with our son, in case you would like to use the technique.

Its very effective!

Little Brucie was in his junior school class when the teacher
asked the children what their fathers do for a living. All the typical
answers came up fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. Brucie was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap room and let them sleep with him".
The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring and then took little Brucie aside to ask him, "Is that really true
about your father?"....
"No", said Brucie, "My father play footy for the Bulldogs, but I was just too embarrassed to say

Blacktown Barbie

Dear Diary,
I have never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, �I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT???" So she says the words every husband on the planet dreads to hear, "you must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman." I am thinking, �What was her first clue?" I finally realized that nothing was going to happen that night so I went to sleep.
The very next day, we went shopping at a Marshall Field's store. I walked around with her while she tried on three different and very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her to take all three. She wanted matching shoes; I said "let's get a pair for each outfit." We went to the jewelery department where she gets a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was a few French fries short of a Happy Meal. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this.
You should have seen her face when she said; "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cash register." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out no honey, I don't feel like buying all of this stuff right now."
You should have seen her face...It went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while". And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me. I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."
I figure that I won't be having sex again until some time after the spring of 2108

1. Throw a ball in the air, tell your mate in the office to mark it and you just stand and watch him. Do this 20 times, make sure you watch all 20 marks. Once completed you've now become Jason Cloke.

2. Grab a biscuit from the office's tea room, as you walk back to your desk slip over and drop the biscuit. Have your work mate pick up the biscuit eat it, throw the crumbs at you and then tell you how good it was. Once completed you've become Rhyce Shaw (strong preference that a work mate by the name of Jonathon Brown eats the biscuit).

3. Go see your supervisor, tell him that you're upset other people have got a promotion. When he says bad luck, cry on his shoulder. Do this twice, once completed you've now become Paul Licuria.

4. Walk around the office, and scrounge through everyone's drawers. Gather all useless stationary. Pick up 30 to 35 useless items/possessions. Once completed you've become Nathan Buckley.

5. Walk past your boss raise the elbow and smack him in the jaw. Once completed you'll be given two weeks notice, lost your job .. and you've become Anthony Rocca.

6. Have the CEO consistently complain about another company which has a competitive advantage of tariff relief. Do this 1000 times and you are now Eddie McGuire.

A man escapes from a prison where he has been held for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young
couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a
chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her,
kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy
is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots
of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he
kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do
what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much
he ravages you. This guy is probably damned dangerous. If he gets
angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you".
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute,
and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where
to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."

Having a bad day?

There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery...as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays.

So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, The part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the
deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his walkman.

STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose
and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

What?! STILL having a bad day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.

It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better?

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning madam. I've come to......"

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate!
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

goes with joke below

Dear Kids,
I am very happy in the new residence you have put me in. This week we actually got to go outside for an hour. I haven't been feeling very good this week. The friend you placed me with died yesterday. I am coping pretty well with my sorrows. It's been two years since you visited me last, I guess you are all pretty busy. It's OK I learned to use the Internet to pass the time. So you can remember what I look like I sent you a recent picture of myself. I send you this picture with all of my heart!
Love, Grandma

nice

ouchies

Subject: MEN ARE LIKE.......
Men are like ........Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like ........ Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ........ Vacations ...... They never seem to last long enough.

Men are like ........ Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ........ Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ........ Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ........ Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ........ Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like ........ Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like ........ Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ........ Popcorn ........ They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ........ Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like ........ Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like ........ Parking Spots ........ All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good- natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!

By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an
infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.

First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!

Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning. "My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man."

They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are mimicing water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe, breathe.'" "They started counting, but never even got past ten."

"Then, all of sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest.

Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

Why you should not cheat

Wedding
=======

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took
place at Clemson University. It was in the local
newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After
the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on
stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He
said
he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from
long
distances, to support them at their wedding. He
especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family
and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such
a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted
to give everyone a special gift just from him. So
taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including
the
wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this
was
his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their
envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of
his bride having sex with the best man. The groom
had
gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had
decided to hire a private detective to tail them just
to
verify this.

After just standing there, just watching the guests'
reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the
best man and said, "F--- you"; he turned to his
bride
and said, "F--- you!" Then he turned to the
dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the
morning. While most people would have canceled the
wedding immediately after finding out about the
affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as
if nothing were wrong.

His revenge ... making the bride's parents pay the
$32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and
best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's
reputations in front of 300 friends and family
members. This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless"
commercial outta this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and
friends...................................$32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the
events....................................$3,000.

Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in
Maui......................................$8,500

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10
glossy of the bride humping the Best
man.......................................PRICELESS!!

There are some things money can't buy; for everything
else, there's MASTERCARD!!!