Pooky is here, Where is Garfield?
Stop and smell the roses!




Saturday, February 28, 2004

Yesterday (being Thursday, day does not change till I have sleepies. lol) was great.

Had a bit of a sleep in. Anything past 6.30am is a sleep in around here. Got to sleep in till 8am. Did some cleaning up and stuff. Made quick call then flew out the door for quack (doctors) appointment. Walked outta there with armful of scrips. Joy. Then did the usual shopping. Then home for more cleaning before mum came around.

Got out of the house and did some different stuff. Mum took us out for lunch to the Falggstaff Hill Hotel. I have not been there for about 3 years. Post Pregnacy days. It had changed a lot in there. And the food was better.

Then Mum took us out to Harbour Town. Found out buses to get there so me is happy. Picked up some bargins from there. One real bargan was a top I picked up that was $4.95. Picked that sticker off to find out the real price when I got home at it was $79.99. What a bargin.

Got a little grumpy cause some shops I went into nothing seemed to fit right. Then one lady said that a large these days is a size 12. Well puts me outta line for those shops. I can squeeze into a 14 with some stuff, but that is if I don't want to breathe.

It is funny how I can go to some shopes and be a size 12 easy. And yet others I am a size 20. Go figure that one out. Got me buggered. Even picking up some cloths for Angel was the same. Some tops I got for him were a size 2 and others were a size 4. Guess start the confusion early. lol

After we did all that shopping my sister dropped in. We got her a top to so she came by to pick it up. She is super happy cause her and her boyfriend have been talking marriage and kids. She is moving in with him in the next few weeks. Wow talk about fast mover. Glad that she is happy. And his kids seem to really like my sister.

Don't you just hate it when people ring you and don't leave messages. Had someone ring me last night at about 9ish. Wasn't mum or sister cause they were both here. Figured if it was important enough they would either leave message, ring mobile, or ring back. Who ever did none of it so eh. Just annoying cause kicked me off the net while I was downloading, grrrrr.

Well time to buzz off here. Angel is up again. Why is it kids get sick on weekends?? grrrr Oh well snuggle with mum in big bed makes him feel better.

xxoo






Wednesday, February 25, 2004

My little head is filled with many thoughts tonight, but I can not share them all. Hell i would not even know where to start.

I have wanted to speak up about a few things, but still want to keep what privacy in life I do have. Which is not much. And with other stuff I don't want friends to worry cause I am doing that enough myself. Plus as much as I know they would like to help they can't with some things.

I came home yesterday feeling very angry and annoyed at people. People at my day care center said that Angel has some learning problems. I had a little bit of a feeling on this a while ago. I had asked my so-called good friends advice on this concern and they told me not to worry. I was angry at myself for not listening to myself. But they kept saying I was being an over the top mother. One of the people was a kindy teacher that told me I had nothing to worry about.

I felt because I had listened to these people I had failed as a mother. Not done what I was supposed to do. I asked for thier help as they also had kids the same age as Angel.

I wrote down a list of all the people I knew at the moment and listed both bad and good points about them. This will help me and Angel as I know which ones to listen to if I ask for advice again. Also know which ones I can count on if I need to talk to someone. It cleared my head alot doing this.

I finished the night with having a shower, doing my nails, taking a drink to bed and watching Bon Jovi special.

Was a tad hung over this morning. That started at 5.30am. My little darling had come to wake me up nice and early. Yeppie 3 and nit hours sleep. Lately average has been 4.

I am not sleeping well for various reasons. thoughts not shutting up, scared, nightmares, restless, and worry about stuff and people. The only part about being on my own I hate. No-one to chat to about stuff.

I felt rotten today cause one person that I told about some stuff to I was rude to. I know this friend was trying to help. This friend was the first person I told about Angel's problem. I knew out of everyone this person would understand. I was even to scared to tell my family last night wondering what they would say. Even as I was explaining this stuff I just wanted to break down. I kept on the move so I would not. Cause I was still blaming myself for being such an idiot.

As much as I am trying to break an 8 year bad habbit, I still find it hard to ask for help and accept it. But I know that if I needed it there are some people that I can count on.

I talked to 2 other people and that got me angry a little. I didn't think I was that hard a person for some to say hey.... But I guess I am. They both said that they thought something was wrong with Angel, but they didn't know how to tell me.

All they could go on about was something/someone else. What I should and should not be doing.

Met up with my new friend today and she was great. she made me laugh. Crazy woman that she is. She helped me take my mind of things even if it was just for 15 mins. She is a hairdresser and asked if I would mind being her hair model soon. lol. She said no offence but I looked like shit and need a makeover. lol. At least she was honest.

Finally told mum about Angel's problem. She was kinda ok with it. She said if any appointments fell on a Thursday she would help out. Think in some respects just easier to jump on 2 buses myself and make a day of it ourselves.

Well I guess time to eat or something. Go and clear my head a bit more and get ready for tomorrow.

ttfn

xxooo






Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Why is it we have friends or try to make friendships? I find myself asking this question tonight. What is better to be outgoing or to be a hermit? Is it better to trust or to hold back and be careful of everyone? Are most people designed to have a friendship to be visous or "what is in it for me?" mentality?

Why is it we live in a society today where people do not do things for others without something in return or waiting for the catch 22? And if you do something because you want to no because you have to you are looked at strangley?

Who are the better friends? Male or female? What are all the clauses in with that?

Lets all face it today's society is all messed up.

xxoo







Why is it we have friends or try to make friendships? I find myself asking this question tonight. What is better to be outgoing or to be a hermit? Is it better to trust or to hold back and be careful of everyone? Are most people designed to have a friendship to be visous or "what is in it for me?" mentality?

Why is it we live in a society today where people do not do things for others without something in return or waiting for the catch 22? And if you do something because you want to no because you have to you are looked at strangley?

Who are the better friends? Male or female? What are all the clauses in with that?

Lets all face it today's society is all messed up.

xxoo






Monday, February 23, 2004

Today was your average day. Nothing truely exciting happened there. About the only fun bit was when a friend of mine and I were perving at delivery guys. There was one that hmmmm. The big wedding ring was the killer. Bugger. lol

The meaning of boredem. I clean up spare room. ahhhh. Was scary stuff. Didn't know what I would find in here. I live in this room mainly. Found heaps of things to sell. Videos that I no longer watch, baby stuff that I no long require all that jazzy stuff. Books that I no longer read. That should keep me busy for a while selling that stuff on Ebay.

Got things to keep me amuzed tomorrow night. Got All Saints tomorrow and the best thing. Bon Jovi special. At least know that no-one will ring. Mum is working and Sister will be at boyfriend's house. And Tuesday nights no-one generaly on line. So found some stuff to do in between.

Saving up to go to the Pink concernt on 3rd of May. Decided that is my treat to me. Going to book way in adavance for that night off. Last, and only concert went to was Bon Jovi for the last Grand Prix. That was awsome, but bias as think awsome group. lol. Wish I still had the pics from that concert. Got second row from the stage so had wicked ones.

Ah better go and do some stuff to be ready for tomorrow.

TTFN (if anyone knows Winnie the Pooh they will know what this means. lol)

xxoo







Sunday, February 22, 2004

Who would love to live here. This is a place a friend of mine is thinking about purchasing.







Although I have been slack this morning, it has been a little productive. Spent 2 hours on the phone to my mum and told her to back off and let me fuck up on my own.

It seems everyone lately is having a thought about everything I do, think and say. It was good chat cause mum said some fairly harsh stuff and she retracted it. She said that her main concern was that I was still alone.

For me I am looking for something special. Not just me I am looking out for. I refuse to settle for second best. If not for me, but for my son who deserves the best. I can look after me, but he can not. I want to make sure I am not putting him in danger again. Don't want him to revert back to his old ways. This finally made sence to mum.

I told her about some of the guys I have had "playtime" with and she understood why it was just play and nothing else. Hey I am sorta human and need a "fix" sometimes.

She is now understanding that I need to live my life the best way I see fit. Hey I love my mum, but sometimes she can be a bit controling. I am not a baby anymore. I need space to breathe, live and possible screw up some more.

That has been the main thing that has been getting me down a lot. People telling me what I should be doing, thinking, saying, seeing, feeling and even living. Makes me want to just hide away from everyone and give up.

Some poeple have been copping it a little rough this week by listening to my rants. I have been apologising to these people. One I did last night when I got home which she was cool with. She understands.

I know some people are just trying to protect me, but maybe I don't want protecting. Maybe I need to make a few mistakes to learn stuff. There are one or two people that I think are just trying to cause trouble with their "views". But they will be put back in their place soon enough.

Anyhoos enough dribbling from me

ttfn

xxoo






Saturday, February 21, 2004

Today was mum's birthday. Went out for dinner and was glad to get home. Gawd I must be getting old looking foward to be at home by 10.30. Remeber a time when 10.30 was when the parties and games were just starting to rock. And usualy on a Saturday night was lucky if I could put a sentance together properly at this time of night. hehehe.

Was good cause got table right at the window so I could watch the sunset. Love doing that. Would have topped it off nice with a thunderstorm. Love watching them. Best "date" I went on was watching the thunderstorm over adelaide from one of the top points on South Road, (before they built extension). But the thunderstorms in Vic are better for some reason. Most "romantic" moment for ex and I. Watching thunderstorm off St Kilda beach and having "fun" in the car. lol

Someone I was friends with got lightening pic for her birthday and she did not like it so passed it onto me. she got her just deverves. Fuck with me and that is ok to a degree, but fuck with my kid and watch out. She was expecting me to react with voilence. Silly girl should have known me better than that. Three phone calls made her in jail, homeless and in deep do do. Someone else is about to learn don't fuck with me. Just figuring out what the best plan of action is.

Meeting these type of people with violence just causes more shit, but if you can out smart them and get them where it really hurts then the battle is won. Leaves them scratching there heads and "busy" for a but. This bitch reckons she is cleaver cause she is an itialian rough bitch. But who is really smarter. One that can fight with hands or one that can fight with other means? I used to do the fight with hands in high school but as got older learnt to fight other ways.

Sometimes means that you have to break a few rules. But what needs to be has to be done. The only rules I break are moral ones, but would rather do that then break other things and have cops on my door step. Cops only bring bad news never bad. That was the best thing about kicking ex out no more cops on my door step. Think once ex would have rather gone with cops than put up eith me. He got pinged for driving without a licence and un registered. Pissed me off cause I gave him the money to get all that done. Not bad considering he was working and I was not and I had to give him the cash to pay for that shit. Hell I don't even drive. Not even my car. But at least gave me amo for the custody thing. So shouod thank him for that fuck up.

Sister rocked up tonight and knew I was not happy about something. She had an idea about what it was all about. She knew that what is going on with mum was on the cards. It was just a matter of time. Hell 5 phone calls from mum today about the same stuff drove me up the wall. She wanted me to stay the night tonight and I thought if I did I would really blow my stack at her. Felt bad enough cause snapped at her twice tonight.

Night was not total loss. Won money on the pokies so that paid for dinner tonight. sister and I were going crazy in the car on the way home. Good old Village People can make you feel better. Except we changed the words. Instead of Mucho man we said much of men. lol. (Christ too many burbs by that time). Sister thought I should sms someone to see if he was "free" for "fun" but I thought better of that. Then stooping down to the other men I know in life. Shows more arse than class doing that.

Prob didn't look very classy when I hung me head out of car window hoaling at the moon. lol. Confused sister's boyfriend in the car behind us. All sister could say was that I need to get laid really quick. lol

Well enough of my dribble. Finished bottle and noticing typing is a tad better then when sober. hehehe

xxoo

*hoawling*






Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Gawd how pathtic am I to let something simple set me off. I gotta find another way of dealing with this shit. Stuffed if I know how.

I should not let this arsewipe get to me. Does not help on moving somewhere in life. Good thing there is no poor bastard around to hear all this crap from me. Just you poor ppl. Sorry

Got nice numb feeling so must be time for sleepies or something. Ah time to play killem game. That will do it. hehehe







Today was your average sort of day. Nothing too much happened.

I dunno why but late this arvo felt this overwhelming need to break down. Considering there were people around and I never do that in front of people decided to go and consult my good friend Jim. hehehe. (still working tonight).

Guess things are finally getting on top of me. All the BS and crap.

Sometimes I think I will only be truly happy when I get out of the state and know that I will not bump into anyone that is from my past and say things. Sometimes I wonder if that is the only time that I will be able truely be useful for someone special. (If you kinda know what I mean). The only thing that is stopping me really, apart from cash flow, is my family and a very few people.

I ran into someone yesterday who told me my ex is getting married. Sent me into a bit of a tale spin. What I was not good enough to be even asked? If I can not be good enough for a feral then what hope have I got for anyone else? I guess that was on my mind a bit today as there was talk of marriage and stuff. Thinking that maybe all I am good for is the ferals and that is all I can truely get. kept hearing other people's comments, including from ex and so-called close freinds at the time.

These are the times when I wish I had close friends that were not family or internet friends around that would not judge me if I broke down. I know that there are people in my life that would say things to attempt to make me feel better, but the next breath would tell me all that I am doing wrong.And because of all that I am doing wrong that is why I am getting no-where. I know I am getting no-where fast. But I don't need people to confirm that for me.

I know that there are people around just dying to say "I told you so" about some things. Some people are trying to tell me to look after me for number 1. It doesn't work that way. Number 1 is my Angel. 2 is my family, 3 friends, 4 house, 5 bills, 6 me. I just figure if everyone else around me is happy then it will rub off on me eventually.

Think too much Jim is talking now cause getting kinda personal with you lot.

ttfn

xxoo






Tuesday, February 17, 2004

What a day. Although there was not much physical stuff the mind stuff is enough. Can't really explain all cause I could be in deep do do.

Saw my ex today and I was so tempted to move from my spot and smack him. But also hoped he did not spot me and just keep walking. Thank god he did. Don't think that would be too nice in public. Then I would be back down to yobbo status very quick. (more than usual). I know of at least 3 people that would like to smack him but I think they have to wait in line. My turn first.

Gawd for the first time in 7 years had to fill out those silly tax forms. That sounds bad. But with four years off with self martinity leave and 3 years before that working with one company doesn't quiet sound so bad. But still bad enough. A few questions have me stumped cause of the FTB. Hope I ticked the right boxes. lol

Decided to break routine today. Went shopping for us after I pick Angel up. He is happy he got a spiderman bike. It has gone to bed with him tonight that is how happy he is with it.

Me is happy my show back on tonight. Turned off the lights and watched it with a few drinks. Good thing for bin day today. Got to take all the other empties away. hehehe

Ah time to pay some bills so the phone and electricty stays on for a while longer. Work on gas later. grrrrr

xxoo







Monday, February 16, 2004

Today was your average type of day. I went into hiding for most of it. Safer that way since I was a little hot and (oh no) grumpy with the world.

People asked what I got for V day and I said nothing. Could not tell them the truth cause they would all think it was one person when it was not. So better to keep my mouth shut on that one.

Met this guy over a year ago, one that no-one knows about. We had 2 week fling before he was off overseas for work. So we made a deal of if in 3 years we were both single we would hook up and try the relationship thing. Doubt anything will come from it. Althought the sex was awsome that was about it really. Got to learn what happens when there are two capricorns in the mix. hehehe. Not really anything that people need to know about. We still chat and sometimes he rings. No big deal there.

One guy sent me email roses. Know that is just an attempt so that I will say yes to being another notch on his belt. He was freaky. Rang me at 11.30 at night asking to move in. Gawd. Yes before you say it I can pick them.

Came home and did 3 days of house work. House was looking feral. (bit like me on a good day. lol) Now enjoying the drinkies I missed out on last night. Shoulda drank them last night could would have slept better. Shit happens.

Well time to go and find something else to clean. Sure there is something.

xxoo






Sunday, February 15, 2004

Well glad to be home. House is a little hot but colling down quick. At least with the breeze comming down on my bed it will be easy to sleep.

Spent time downloading stuff off mum's puter. Happy cause downloaded Michael Bolton's whole album. Like his stuff to listen to when need somthing a little relaxing. And downloaded some stuff I had not heard in ages. So me happy chappy about that.

Also happy cause today at 5pm marked the last time I saw my ex for a year. Was going to have drink to celebrate but too tired tonight. So will do it tomorrow.

Was ment to have night off but hey shit happens. Nothing I can do about it. Mum kinda felt sorry for me so organised for sister to take me out since still had baby sitting all set up. Went and saw Along Came Polly. Simple story line but was good movie to watch.

Both wanted to see Big Fish also, but since sister's boyfriend is taking her to that on sunday thought we would see the other. Saw a few trailers of a few other movies would like to see, but do you think I can remeber the names of them now. Already booked my sister to take me to the new Garfield movie when it comes out June/July.

Felt good to get out of the house for a while at night kid free. I would try to do it more often but people always bail at last minute so can't be bothered. Rather that my mum earns $250 for the night (sunday rates) than me sitting at home hoping for people to rock up.

Had this a few times and it is annoying. But hey what can I do about it. Absolutly nothing. Just put up with it. Used to say stuff but fell on deaf ears so I can't be bothered speaking up anymore. There is no point.

At least going out Saturday night. Mum, Sister, Sister's boyfriend and his kids and of course Angel and I. We are still deciding where we are going for dinner. Got two places in mind. So if one doesn't pan out the other will. That should be fun. At least Angel will have someone to play with. hehehe. Did all the driving arrangements tonight so nice and easy.

Well time to relax with the cool breeze. Night night all

ttfn

xxoo






Saturday, February 14, 2004

HAAPY VALENTINES DAY for all those that choose to celebrate it.

Be buggered if I am staying in this hot house. (plus just about outta medince hehehe) Booked Angel and I in front of her air con today. Yeppie. She is cool with that. Plus I can play on her puter while she is at work today. hehehehehe

Catch you all at some stage tomorrow.

TTFN


xxxoooo






Friday, February 13, 2004

Today was a little funny. Was chatting to someone on line who did call me boring. The reason being cause I would not watch her and her partner have sex in my bed. lol. She said that she would teach/show me how to have fun sex. I think I have a rough idea on that one. Have not had too many complaints as yet. lol

Otherwise nice quiet day here. Too hot to do much. Did my house work early since mum was comming over. Thought better clean up since I had not done much since Sunday.

Toying with the idea of going to Marion tonight for some cool comfort for a while. Might have a look around at stuff to put on layby. Time to revamp the wardrobe again. Pretty sad when you can watch what not to wear and you see a few oopps on thier show that you do. grrrrr. Plus a few of my cloths are getting too big. Will pass them on to my sister since she likes what I wear.

Mum and I were laughing at the time sister has taken to redecorate her new boyfriend's house. She has been going out with him for 3 weeks and already been re organising for 2 weeks.

Ok now I am slow and boring. Not something that I would do.

Tonight going to find some music that I really like to download on mum's puter. Since I am staying up there tomorrow. Be buggered if sitting in this oven with 43 degree heat. Got any suggestions? lol

Time to watch playschool and see if I have the motivation to go out.

ttfn

xxxooo






Thursday, February 12, 2004

Tonight was nice. Dinner with mum, sister, Angel and Sister's boyfriend. He seems really good for her.

Got a little teary as we left. Even a bit now. (possibly too much "medicine"). Mum turned around and said to sister's boyfriend that he was the nicest guy that sister's ever gone out with. I hope that one day mum can say that about one of my choices.

I admit I have not made smart choices in that respect. Mum said to me it was a pitty X could not be there. Just one of those things.

Met my secret (not so secret) admire yesterday on way home. I must be real snob. Have a slight problem with people that answer ever question with one word answers. Even tried to talk about spiderman and asked why he liked spiderman. He just said cause. Instinct told me to stay away.

Good thing been listening to that alot. So far so good. I could have listened to others and would have screwed up big time. But decided to ignore and listen to that little voice instead. starting to listen to that more often. Some people think I am silly for listening to my inner voice. But so far it has worked. Should have done that ages ago.

Well time to chat a bit more.

Quick joke told tonight

Q. What do CROWS stand for?
A. Carey Rooting Our Wives Secretly.

Sorry to all you crows fans but thought this was funny.

ttfn
xxxooo







Well what a day. Started at 5.30am with my little darling getting me up then. Crawling out of his cot and hitting me in the head with a toy hammer. Can think of better ways of being woken up at that time of morning. hehehe

Did all that I wanted to get done today. Had a few things to do in the city.Was so glad to get outta there cause of it being too warm in there. Was nice breeze when I was walking home.

Just filling in some time now before off to dinner at mums. She just sent me sms saying sister's new boyfriend is comming up to tonight.

Mum rang me this morning feeling a little bad about a small joke that she said about someone. Told her not to worry about it. Person gives out as good as this person recieves.

On Sunday at 5.00pm having a little drink in celebration. That was the last time saw ex. I know that probably sounds silly, but it is a good thing around here. Spoke to mum about it and we are both wrapped in the way that Angel has come so far in that year away from is father. Mum said not to get too cocky about never seeing him, but going to enjoy it while I can.

Relised what my issue has been of recent weeks. Bordem. I do the same things from day to day. Nothing new and different. I used to be the type of person that did lots of things on the spare of the moment, but now getting predicable. Part of reason getting so frustrated with people.

Other part is not sleeping well. Keep having strange dreams that wake me up with different sorts of emotions. One in particular wakes me up feeling very miserable. A person standing there with others around and they all saying we are more fun that is why nothing for you. I can't say the full content of dream cause then would be x-rated blogg. lol. The other ones have been me in punch ups with people. One person in particluar. Going to have to figure out a way of sorting out that mess. grrrrrrr

Decided to buy myself some "sleeping medicine" in that hope I have full night sleep tonight. One right now would go down really nice. hehehe.

ah better go and wake angel up and start getting ready. Look a little human for mum. See what she thinks of my "slut" red nail polish we put on at 7am. lol. She bought it for me.

ttfn

xxxooo






Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Well today was one of those interesting days. Mixture of stuff.

Think that one person is not very happy with me. Not fussed cause feeling is mutal. Now very careful with this person. Can't explain why but just am. Something that this person said has made me take a giant leap back.

Got to play boss today. The two bosses went out for over an hour. Every impossible question that could come through did. lol. Just stuff that I have not learnt yet. One boss was happy even though I made a few mistakes with things. He showed me how to do it right should I be left in that situation again. Like working there. Was a little scared cause some people put the fear of god in me, but so far so good.

My sister was a gem tonight. She picked us up from day care. Was happy to go back to her place for the air con. So glad did not have to wait for bus. Too dam hot.

Met her new boyfriend tonight. He is really nice. Was funny watching the current and the ex. Ex was being so nice I wanted to be sick. lol. He finally did my copy of Everance cd. Only been asking for 3 weeks. But was out there being the real nice guy. Even was heaps nice to Angel. Getting him drinks and a cushion to sit on. Even spoke to me. Think it was the heat. lol

The new guy is really nice. Even said that if I need a hand with anything get sister to call. Felt a little sorry for him cause while he was here he had to tell his mum that his ex is playing games with him again with the kid access thing.

Can't stand women like that. There are some guys that actually really want to see their kids. Ok so the relationship fails why do people have to use kids as the pawns. He said that is ex knows that is the one thing that gets to him every time. Glad I missed out on all that.

Sometimes wish I could have weekends off and stuff like other separtated parents. But I know that I would worry like crazy if my ex had him away from the house for 30 mins. Sometimes a break would be nice. Just 30 mins at night even. Maybe one day I will find someone who will help out.

Well can now finally sell all my baby stuff. The person that I was going to sell it to has just found out she is expecting. That will make more room in my house. Figure that I won't need it for ages. Its just sitting around my house collecting dust. Plus might stop my "clucky" thing at the moment.

Had a look at Angels Baby photos last night and got all teary eyed. I'm not sure why. Saw how much fatter I used to be. One photo really set me off. The one of the "family" and only 1 person was happy in it. And it was not Angel or I. We were ment to be happy cause it was Xmas day. Angel's first.

Then thought stuff it go on line and someone will get me outta this mood. And yep someone sure did. Got me annoyed. This guy I chat to sometimes. He was saying how he had two girls on the trot. He did not really like one, even though she said she had strong feelings for him. He said he was going to keep her around for when he needs sex and can't get it from the other one. The other girl he likes but does not think that she likes him. Hope girl plays him for the fool that he is. Guys like that really piss me off. Playing on people's emotions and just using them like that. He said that he did not say anything when she told him. Said that it was fun leaving her in "limbo". Did the mistake of asking me what I thought of his actions. Don't think he will speak to me again. lol

The way I see it you never leave someone in limbo. You wither say yeh or nah. Never just shrug it off and keep them hanging. I mean all of us are left in limbo with some aspect of our lives. The last thing that we want is our emotions to be left in limb. We all want to know if there is something exciting to look foward to or whether we need to go looking for someone else.And basically it is just manners.

Or maybe that is what sepreates the boys from the men. Any boy can have sex. But takes a man to treat a girl with respect. That is the same with girls and woman. Works both ways. A little old fashioned view. But it is my view.

One guy asked me if I thought he was a man or a boy. I said he treated me like crap so he is still a boy. He debated that because he was 36. He said he was a man cause he could perform well in the bedroom. I learnt my lesson the hard way there. Just cause sex is great does not mean other things are.

That is what basically happened with my ex. Took away the booze and the sex and there was nothing left. We would go for days without speaking apart from saying hi. We would not even sit in the same room. I had more to say to my on line buddies than him.

Hence I have no-one at the moment cause I am looking for something a little more deeper. If there is no sex can we still communicate? Sometimes the communication is not just words. Just by looking at someone and knowing that they need a cuddle or a back rub or a nice drink. Or that they just want time to themselves for a little bit. It is that special little connection that I am looking for. Just knowing that if for some reason there is no sex there can still be that connection/bond.

Well enough of my dribble. Time to do a few things for others again. Yeppie.

Take time to communicate with your loved one outside of the bedroom

ttfn

xxooo






Monday, February 09, 2004

Yeppie I am getting bigger fridge tomorrow night. Means I can do less than 2 trips to the shops some days. And I get to meet my sister's new boyfriend.

Sister was a little hesitant on telling me what he has planned for her this weekend comming. She thought that I may get upset. Hey I am happy for her. The last guy of hers treated her like crap for 5 years. Glad I am not at her place tomorrow night. She is cooking dinner for her current and her ex. That was one thing I made sure never happened. Ex's meeting currents.

Otherwise been quiet day today. Angel kept me awake till 2ish and then I could not sleep till 3. So when the alarm went off at 6 I thought would lay for 5 mins. Well 10 rocked around so that was super long 5 mins. lol. I must have been so tired that I did not even hear mobile go off at 8.30ish. Usually guarantee to wake me up.

Angel got spoilt today with a picture of Spiderman that someone drew for him today. Not bad considering never met this person. Another friend is making wooden spiderman's so one is on order for Angel. The same person that did the drawing is doing the painting for the Spiderman's. Appartaly reason for all of this but I am not ment to know about all this. He is Spiderman nuts at the moment. If it keeps him happy it is all good.

So now changing his room for Pooh Bear to Spiderman. Started by putting up a few posters. Will get new bed cover and make a lamp shade for his room. At least don't have to worry about the curtains since they are already blue. Going to have a loook around tonight to see if I can find program and nice pic of spiderman to make wall hanging. Since you can't buy Spiderman wall hangings or lampshades. Will keep me off puter and amuzed. Need something to do at night and on weekends.


Oh well time for the hunt now

ttfn

xxxooo







Sunday, February 08, 2004

Hmmm the bitch test. Well that was no surprise there. Usually get called it quiet a bit. lol. 49% Bitch. Watch out. hehehe

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49% bitch! which is higher than the worldwide average 38%

Of the 7,795,616 test takers so far:


52% can use a gun
51% been in a catfight
50% cheated in a relationship
50% forget birthdays
46% blamed a friend for farting
28% gnawed during oral sex
26% wear lots of hairspray
24% stomped on someone with high heels

The bitchiest age group so far is 29 year olds. 29 year olds average 42% bitchy.
Women who like the taste of beer are more likely to cheat on their boyfriends.
Canadian women are more likely to consider themselves successful.
Girls with tattoos like authority less.
Girls who sleep with married men are more likely to forget their friends' birthdays









Well just did the slut test for fun. I ended up being 54%. lol. Hmmm me question that alot

Please, there's something important I have to tell you... there's something people have been saying...

"It involves you and all those inmates."



The results are in! You are


54% slutty
which technically makes you a slut.
The worldwide average is only 46%.


Based on the 9,092,529 test takers so far:
you're sluttier than 69% of the world.
you're cleaner than 29% of the world.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FACT
132 women agreed with you, and chose "Simon Baker" as the best sex option of all time.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FACT
So far, the most popular place to lick lubricated men is below the right nipple.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE NUMBER ONE THING THE AVERAGE WOMAN DISLIKES ABOUT HER OWN LOOKS
--her face--

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border="0">








src="http://test3.thespark.com/sa/slut54.gif"
border="0">








Think I am finally happy with this thing. Little easier to read than the last one. But at least finally adds personal touch to my bloggy. The other ones on here are too boring.

Not many free ones around not unless you have diaryland. Then you can find heaps. Found one that I really liked. Went to download that one, and when I did needed to download another program. Catch 22. Site for program no longer exsited.

Not quiet the pic that I was looking for. But another time will waste a few hours looking again.

ttfn

xxoo







Well you can see what an exciting day it has been today. Bord with my original set up so thought would learn a little on changing it. Not completely happy with it all. Still needs some work.

Let me know what you think so that I can have a rough idea on how much more to change.

ttfn

xxxooo






Saturday, February 07, 2004

Today did not start off the best. Mum rang and she had to get the dog put down. We had her for many years. Got the dog as a result of a divorce. No-onw wanted the dog, but they spent 2 years in court for a bbq. Go figure. The bbq wasn't anything flash either. One of those that you can pick up for about $80. Good to see tax payers money going to good use yet again.

Started the preocess of two of the three things I have planned this year. Gives me something to look foward to at the end of this year. I am one of those people that need the carrot to dangle. No carrot no real reason to do anything.

I have yet to notice the heat in the house. Only notice it when I go outdoors. I mean I can still wear cloths around the house and not be too hot. Worked out the tricks of this house for heating and cooling. Thought I did very well fixed the tap in the laundry area yesterday. Asked person I know 3 times and still waiting. Want something done do it myself. Much quicker.

I asked sister to help me to reformat puter as I have forgotten how to do it and to partion the HD. I will just put up with quirks till I save for new puter. Again quicker in that respect. There are several things on my shopping list.

1. Fridge
2. Washing machine (think mine is have slow painful death)
3. Dinning Suit. (just to upgrade)
4. New dresser set for my bedroom
5. New puter with all fruities.
6. Another dvd player so can watch movies in bed. (used to love doing that)

Think those things should keep me going for a bit. Plus with a few other things that I have planned for this year. Just going to put up and shut up with living here for a while. Then at end of this year will hopefully be on my feet enough to get out. Want to do a few things before I have moving expenses added to the list. I am hardly home most of the week anyhoos so a little longer won't kill me too much.

I am happy worked out last night that I am at the end of 2 "cling" bills next week. One big one and one small one. If I keep going like this I should be in the clear by end of the year with any luck. As people keep saying the new form of STD. Sexually Transmitted Debt. grrrrr. A bit more sacrificing this year and next year should be clean slate with any luck. Then can work on a few other things. Going to try and get my licence before I am 30. And attempt to find some poor sucker to teach me. lol. Mum won't.

When I had my learners years ago we went driving. She yelled at me and I forgot which pedal I was ment to be using and went 60 around a courner. Good thing I remebered one night. Ex was being twit as per usual. Should not say as the wrong person might read this and I could be in deep do do. lol

Well better go and do something. Like eat or something boring like that.

ttfn

xxxooo






Friday, February 06, 2004

Been staying away from people the last few days cause easily set off these days. Even to the point on Wednesday moring saw someone and nearly had "cat" fight with her. A few words were exchanged and if she kept pushing it it would have been a few hands.

Was getting close to that again Wednesday arvo but just ignored it all. Held back, gave myself headach and took some pain killers.

Not sure what is setting all this frustration off. One minute want to hit something the next just want to go into courner and grizzle.

Sat and had good think tonight and have changed a few goals for this year. Not going to tell anyone what they are since everyone thinks they know what is best for me and what I should be doing in my life, even to the point of who I should have in my life.

With most people these days I just talk bullshit. Nothing important. Only very select few that I talk about important stuff to now. In my own slimy way change the topic of conversations very quickly if I do not want to talk about it.

Just had enough of people's views on my life and telling me I can't do stuff. Well they are going to be the ones with egg on thier face when January next year I drop a few bomb shells on them. All going to plan that is.

Going to forget about some of the goals I had set for this year. Time to prove a few people wrong. These people have only made me more determined to do stuff.

But on lighter note Sister is happy with her new boyfriend. She has known him 3 weeks and they have hooked up. Happy that she is away from other twit. I get to meet him at mum's birthday dinner.

Mum said the best dinner here was the one where the cops drove home my ex. She had good laugh over that one. The bastard finally got caught driving unregistered, unlicenced, un roadworthy car. She said the best part of it was me giving him a huge grilling. She said he would have been safer with the cops. I don't like cops at my door. They only ever bring bad news. Never known a cop to bring good news.

Sister has become all worried about my lack of love life. She said she is worried that I will end up like mum cause I have been on my own for nearly 2 years. (2 years in May). She is ringing me almost every second day asking if there is anything happening in that department. She even told me how many "nights off" I had last year. Three. Not that I am worried about that too much. Got my sights on other things rather than going out.

Used to organise nights off to go out but people either backed out last minute or just did not turn up. Rather than my mum loosing work and me being disappointed just don't organise anything. Easy all round that way. Plus save money to spend else where. Prefer to be board stiff on a weekend rather than disappointed.

Got plenty of things around here to keep my amuzed. Tonight re did my photo albums and watched movie. Tomorrow night going to try and get in and clean this room up. Sort out what I have here and what I don't need. And if anyone on will have a little chatter to them. Listen to music and have my chocy close.

Well time to go and kill some more civillsations.

ttfn







Tuesday, February 03, 2004

Here is a cute joke with footy season comming (yeppie bring on the shorts and bums)

What is the difference between Port Power and an arsonist?
An arsonist wouldn't waste 22 matches.

hehehehe

Here is some trivia for ya. Yep I spend way too much time on the net.

The same props (such as the computers and guns) also were used throughout all of the series including "Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea" (1964), "Time Tunnel, The" (1966), "Land of the Giants" (1968) and "Lost In Space" (1968).

That in 1968 5 different Star Trek episodes were nominated for a Hugo Award for Best Dramatic Presentation but that the Star Trek episode "City on the Edge of Forever" won.

That Alexis Cruz, who plays Skaara, is one of two actors from the Stargate movie to reprise their roles on the television series. The other was Erick Avari, who plays Kasuf and appeared in the episode "Secrets".

that Ex-USAF pilot and NASA PR man Martin Caidin's 1971 novel "Cyborg" was the source material for the show "The Six Million Dollar Man"?


That Mark Hamill was offered the role of Cmdr. Adama but turned it down. - Battlestar Galatica

The in the movie "Conan: The Barbarian" the name "Valeria" comes from the heroine of the novella "Red Nails." The theft of the tower in Zamora is from "The Tower of the Elephant." The speech King Osric gives about the throne room becoming a prison echoes a similar passage in "The Mirrors of Tuzun Thune," a King Kull story. The scene where Conan is crucified and kills a vulture with his teeth is from "A Witch Shall Be Born." Finally, the scene where Valeria vows to come back from the dead to save Conan and then does so is from "Queen of the Black Coast."

In Ian Fleming’s home at Oracabessa in Jamaica, one of his “bibles” was the classic reference book Birds of the West Indies by the American ornithologist James Bond. Explained Fleming: “I was determined that my secret agent should be anonymous a personality as possible. It struck me that this name – brief, unromantic, and yet masculine – was just what I needed.”


Until their first "death", an immortal is identical to a mortal except that they are sterile. They experience normal healing rates, but they can only become immortal from a violent death and not of dying of old age. - Highlander

That in 1962 a young Robert Redford was a guest star on the episode "Nothing in the Dark" from Twilight Zone?

That Kevin Sorbo is not the only member of the Hercules cast to be married to a guest star. Michael Hurst is married to Jennifer Ward-Lealand who is known for her role as Voluptua from "All That Glitters", and as "Bodacia" from Xena: Warrior Princess.

The cinematographer used matte backgrounds for the "exterior" shots, painted on massive fabric sheets. The detail worked so well that it eliminated the need to film the exteriors in an actual desert, and allowed the filmmakers to create a film with production values on par with most big screen science fiction productions at a fraction of the cost. - Dune

The the voice actor who opened each episode of The Outer Limits with "There is nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. ..." was also the voice of Sinestro on "Challenge of the SuperFriends" and played Tharn in the Original Star Trek Episode "Mirror, Mirror"?

That The Wild, Wild, West only won 1 Emmy during it's run and that it was for Agnes Moorhead as Best Supporting Actress in 1967 for her role in "Night of the Vicious Valentine"

The first season episode "I, Robot" was a remake of an episode by the same title from the second season of the 1963 series. Leonard Nimoy, who played a reporter in the original episode, played attorney Thurman Cutler in the remake ('Howard DaSilva' in the original). The remake was also directed by Nimoy's son, Adam which is also the name of the Robot in the series. - The Outer Limits








The day started off like any other. Same old stuff. Did something a little different. We left the pram at home today. Angel loved walking to the bus stop. He loves catching the bus. Just as well or we would be stuff. lol Since our only mode of transport. I gotta get my licence and be like every other looney on these roads.

Did my usual stuff. Got shocked cause person that I am causious of was nice all day. Told friend about this and she was scared to. Even scared my to the point wants me to show him things. Need drinkies to get over that shock. hmm sounds like excellent idea.

(ah better now got drinkies and music)

Got super pissed when bus drove past us again. What I need to be octupus to hail bus, hold kid and bags. Funny how it seems to be on one run they seem to do it. Had 6 buses drive past me in the last 4 weeks. Does not make me happy chappy. In particular when you have to wait 40 mins till all the peek hour buses drive past and you have to keep kid amuzed and he has hissy cause it is "not our bus" that drives past. grrrrr

Just made it to the chemist as she was about to lock the door. Got my pics of my Angel so making me feel better looking at those cheaky photos. Scanning some in tonight to send to my email buddy. She loves to see pics of him. Even though she is not "mother way" herself she is always asking pics of him. Was ment to do some stuff for others tonight but they can wait. I want to show off my Angel tonight. And send the usual long email. She helps me to keep a little sane.

This weekend I am going to try and relax. Going to put Angel to bed, curl up on longue and have my chocy and drinkies close by. Thinking I may do that tomorrow night. Might hire some dvd's since no Simon Baker on for a while. Bummer. How is a girl ment to perv when perv is taken away. Another burst bubble.

It is strange how you cn talk to someone one on one and they say nice positive stuff and when others are around their tune changes. Noticed this a bit today. Did not make me feel so good. Tried to laugh it off, but to some extent it kinda bites a little. Guess all you can do is put it down to idiots and ignorance. I dunno.

Guess that has been my problem of late. Forgetting who I am. I am a number of things to some, but I would like to be known as me sometimes. Not the single mum struggling, not the relationship walking distaster, or the girl from ........, but just me.

And although I have wanted to chat to people I have distance myself incase I get another lable. With others I have wanted to chat about what is going through my pea brain, but have refrained cause I know they are going through thier own thing. The one thing hate about being single. No-one to chat to and have a cuddle. Not that any of my ex's where really big on that. My last one would pretend to listen while watching the tv. But at least him pretending to listen I got it out a bit. That was why started with the book.

It felt strange last week that my sister picked up that something was wrong. Was shocked when she dropped me home and she got out of the car to stay. She does not usualy do this. Was going to see if I could get her over to play some board games this weekend but she is busy.

Ah time to go and do my scanning and email.

Have fun, keep safe and remeber who you truely are, not what others see you as.

xxoo

TTFN







Monday, February 02, 2004

Why is it that people get upset when you don't involve them in every move that you make. Got someone on line at the moment getting all upset with me cause I am not telling them my every move, friends list and not letting this person come over when ever they feel like it.

Hey I love company but prefer people that are going to (scary concept here) talk when they get here. Think I am just loosing my patience with idiots.

Maybe I just need a day off when not doing something for everyone else. Been ages since had som time off. These are the times I wish I had someone around just so I can spend 30 mins in bath to relax. Ah my day will come when Angel leaves home. lol

Well not getting fridge this weekend either. Sister is out all this weekend comming. grrrr. Would be nice to have slighly bigger fridge.

Ah sounds like neighbour has pissed off another female. That might explain the no celine dion at 7am the past two weeks. The good cristian has fallen out of love. What a dam shame. Yeppie my ears get a rest. I call it celine dion vs fuck wit. lol Listening to him signing is painful. Even worse with hangover.

Well seems all is quiet on the chatter front. Maybe I have pissed off too many people last two weeks. Oh well. Shit happens.

Started on another book for my thoughts. Pretty pathtic really since only had 1st book since December and had 96 pages in it. lol

Time to snuggle in bed with murder book, chocy and cuppa

ttfn

xxxooo






Sunday, February 01, 2004

What a month this month is going to be. Time for celebration this month. And I am not talking about "V" day either. Ok most of it happens near end but me is happy.

Feb 15th - Last time I saw someone so that door closed and 3 weeks later another opened.

Feb 16th - Last time I saw ex. Yeppie we have not seen him for a year on this date. Yeppie yeppie yeppie. (major celebration drinkies there.

Feb 21st - My mum's bithday.

That should keep me a little amuzed for a bit.OK the 15th doesn't sound that good to most but I like it.

Finally figured out how to turn the battery down on my Angel. He is so full of beans sometimes it is unreal. I get tired just watching him. Been taking him for long walks. Leaving the pram at home and walking up and down the shop. He was happy little boy. Cars back on the TV on Sundays.

We watched the drag racing while we were having lunch. I remebered how much I used to like going to the drags when I was a kid. My step father used to take my sister and I every weekend. Some people like the car shows for the engines and all that testorne stuff. I like it cause of the art work on the body of a car. Only reason used to go to car shows here.

Once it was good. They had car show on and cd sale on. I took off with ex's keycard and went shopping. lol. He did not care too much cause I was not annoying him during car show and I found 2 cds that he liked.

Got very scared on weekend when he said lets go out and we ended up at craft show. Was wondering what the reason was behind that.

Cleaned out my "craft" cubord and found lots of little goodies in there. I found toys that I had put away probably cause they were unsafe at the time. I found an old diary. Had a read through that and wow I have come a long way since those times. That was the time I suffered depression at my worst. Was also the end of my relationship. Oh well bin is full now.

Bit annoyed at sister this weekend. She said that she would be home for most of it and now she is not home till very late tonight. Means no fridge for me. I am borrowing her fridge till I save up and get my own.

A little worried that she is going about things wrong too. It is great that she has found new guy. As she says she doesn't have to worry about me cause he is 28 and that is too young for me. hehehehe. But he has two kids. Aged 4 an 7. They have their little fussy habbits but sister thinks that she is going to step in and change that.

Yep you are probably thinking what I am. Big mistake. I have not dealt with this situation before, but I do it from a parents point of view. My blood my rules. A person can step in and suggest ways, if he is parent himself. But if not parent himself then sush up. Parents know what is best for thier kids more than anyone.

My thing is that if I meet up with guy with kids, be friends with the kids, but let him do his thing with the kids. He knows them better than I ever will. Mum says that I will not be able to handle the whole "other person's" kid thing. She said that she was never able to handle it and her experience of it once was horrid. So she does not think that I can do it.

I will admit when it comes to kids I am a little overprotective. I have done this a few times. One with extreme good reason. I only let one person in my house so that I could make sure the kid was fine. I do not make habbit of ring welfare but this case really needed it.

The mother was strange. She would go off and play pokies all hours of the day and night and leave her 4 year old at home by herself. Her boyfriend would thump into kid and the boyfriend's brother would hold guns to her head to watch her pee herself cause they all thought it was funny. The mother cuts herself. She told me that she would cut herself infront of daughter and tell daughter it was all her fault. The daughter came over with huge lump on her head. Mother dropped her off here to play pokies. I asked ehr how she got it and she said "she could not tell otherwise she would get another to match".

I know "parents" are ment to stick together but this was insane this case. I rang welfare cause the little girl deserved better than this. She had her whole life in front of her. The mother was asked by welfare to choose between her boyfriend and her kid. Most sane people would choose their kid. Not her. So they took the daughter off her and she is now living with her dad. Last I heard doing very well at kindy. And finally smiling.

The woman, if you can call her that, came over and told me a month after the event and cried. She could turn them off and on like clock work. Then she was determined she was going to get preganent to boyfriend. This was the person that once told me that single mothers do not get decent men so I should take what I should get. Fuck that. I want decent I will get decent. Not just my life I am looking out for anymore.

It bothered me once when I had "company" in the morning and when he was ready to leave for work she was sitting on my door step. This was 7.30am. She said she would always just sit outside and wait till car leaves before she knocked on the door. Then she made rude comment after he left. Well two rude comments.

First was how old and ugly this person was. He was 36 and a bit of a looker. None of her business anyway.

The second was how an old person can go longer for 20 mins. Her 21 year old boyfriend could only go for 20 mins. This really bothered me. She said she could hear my bed going. Thank god changed beds now. That sent chills up my spine. My house I do what I want in it.

She and her dickhead boyfriend came over one night with a few drinks. None that tickled my taste buds and when they were around never drank always on full alert. She and her boyfriend were hoping I could be in with them for a 3some. I could not help myself and turned around and said "If he can only last 20 mins he is not equipt for 3some". Funny how they left not long after that. lol

Yep I meet some strange people along the way. Another playgroup gem. grrrrr. Wonder why I am not mixing with people in my area.

But as for as kids go yes I can be a little overprotective at times. You will kinda notice from a previous blogg thing.

The fact of the matter is i will never actually be a mother to someone elses kids. I will hopefully be a friend to them. They have a mother. They don't need the evil step mother thing. Like I am not expecting anyone to be Angel's dad. Just at least be friends with him.

That was one thing that bothered some past flings. They said they would not want anything further with me cause Angel does not have a "father" figure around and that I would hope they would do that. To me that kinda sounded like a cop out, but if they are like that who needs them around. I have a few male friends that Angel has kinda taken too. And if they are still around when Angel needs "boy issue" help that is great. There are some things that old girls just don't know about boys. In particular mum, cause everyone knows that parents are not human, they are parents. lol I have had my most embarrasing "boy issue" moment. Nothng else would embarrase me as far as that goes anymore. lol

Better go Angel is up and time to start dinner.

Keep kids safe.

ttfn

xxxooo




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