Tuesday, March 30, 2004
Today was excellent day. Great company, happy work place and fun. The only bad points for the day were being cold on way home and hacking legs again. grrrr (need a man around to blunten the blades. grrrr)
Picked up Son's birthday pressy stuff today. Whole heap of Spiderman toys. His birthday not till May, but if I can get in with bargins then why not. The big 3 for him.
Was up till late/early this morning thinking about more stuff. Was joking around with buddy tonight about people writing a list about what annoys them about me. But in shower decided that is not a bad idea. If I am going to self improve what better way to get friends to email or write list then when son is in bed read over them and think about it. If you want to send me list email me
I know of at least one thing that bugs people about me. My stubborness and independance. Was chatting to my mum about this a while ago and she said she kinda blames herself for it. I don't think it is her fault at all. My sister is not as independant as what I am. Mum raised us to be independant. But mum knows that at times I can be a bit too independant.
Indepandace is both a good and bad quality to have. Good cause I can function ok when there is no-one around. But that can also be a downfall. Sometimes doing things all the time wares me out. Wish I had someone around to take a little of the load. So then I have a little more "free" time.
But even if I did have someone around maybe it is good thing too cause if things happen when he is not around I can do it and he does not have to worry.
But the pit fall of being so independant is that it does send people the wrong message. That I don't need a man in my life. If I do it is just for sex. That is not the case at all.
Put aside all sexest jokes it is great to have a man around. I miss it. I don't always like being independant. Sometimes I would like to feel a little weak. Drop some of the defences that I have up. Feel like a female, not both sexes most of the time.
I know if I don't curb this issue it is going to set up problems for my son later in life. He will grow up to think that woman do it all and will not respect women. He has 3 very domante woman around him and not all woman are like that. It will give him the wrong impression.
The impression that woman don't need help with anything and that totally independant. And if they ask him for help he will not understand or respect the reasons behind it all.
I never really understood how what I do effects not only the adults around me but my son to. It has come to that stage of life for me to stop and think how my actions affect others.
Well time for my sleep. Feel free to email list to me. No offence will be taken.
nite nite
xxoo
Doing a bit of reading and reminising today and relised I have lost sight of what I had planned to do with myself this year. I am still trying to pin point the moment that I lost this vision.
Back in December I said I was going to make a whole heap of changes. Comming into the fourth month of the year and nothing has changed one bit. I stepped out of comfort zone for a split second and then stepped right back in and stayed there. I have not done the positive thinking that I said I would do. I have not done anything that I said I would do apart from pay off more bills.
I usually don't let people get to me as much as they have of late. I am working on what the reason is behind that. Taking time out by not chattting as much on the net to people and figure out where it is I lost everything.
In order for things to change for me I must first change myself. So if a little self hibernation is what I need to do all this then that is what I am going to do.
I relise that I have not been a great person to be around. Always grumpy. Not telling or showing people that I do appreciate everything that they do for me. Whether it is simple chatter or little gesters or anything else. I have not been showing people that I do need, respect, and want them around in my life. I am still working on how to show people I need them and not be afraid on asking for a little help at times.
Not help in just venting to them when things annoy me, but other things too. I said that Iwould try and break this habbit this year and have not been very sucessful at that either.
I am ashamed of the type of person I have become in recent months. Telling most people to back off or worse still fuck off. Not letting people know the "real inner" me. I know that is out of fear. Cause then maybe they will see right through the front that I do put on most days.
I always thought that if friends had to ask me "personal" questions then they basically knew nothing of me. Maybe I make it hard for them to know cause I don't share.
Maybe I should make the time to think about what it is I do want out of life and stop keeping myself so busy or wipping myself out when things get "too" close to the bone.
I am going to try my hardest on working on all those things that I said I would back early in the year. Basically be a better person. A long slow painful process but it needs to be done. I am not any good to anyone, friends or family and most important my son if I am grumpy, messed up shit all the time. I know that if I don't change I will loose everyone around me that I cherish.
Time for me to attempt to get some sleepies.
Nite nite
xxoo
Monday, March 29, 2004
Home again today. That is 3 Mondays in a row. Son has still got rash. So save the problem of dropping him off at day care then them ringing me to get him just best to stay home. Find out what the idiot quack has to say this time. grrrr.
It is sometimes times like these I wish I had someone around to help out. But sometimes better off. I tired that once before and bombed out.
Had a good chat with mum yesterday. She has been freaking out a little of late. She pointed out that my son's behaviour on Saturday was due to the fact I over componsate. Yeh it is true. I know I do this on many levels and for many reasons.
I wrap him up in cotton ball cause I nearly lost him twice through pregancy and birth, for what his father did to him, the fact that his father and his family have "rejected" my son. The list goes on.
Mum is worried that I am doing the same thing she is. And thinking about it I am. I live my life for my son. I have put anything I want in life on hold for him. Including personal happiness.
I don't want any males to get close to my son as I don't want him to form a bond with them and then they disappear. Spare my son the confusion. Why mum fucks things up. Just easier on him if I spare him all that. Kids don't understand the whole adult world just yet.
I keep myself busy so I don't think about what I want in life. If not thinking about it, don't miss it. As long as my son, family and friends are happy that is all that matters to me. People can do what they want to me I could not give a shit.
Talking to a friend of mine yestersday and she was the same. She has been threw similar stuff and she is good to chat to. She also said that what my son has been doing this weekend in perfectly normal. All kids do it to a degree. So I guess I can stop freaking out now. She said the best thing to do is to get him used to the fact that I go out sometimes without him.
Well time for more coffee since running on that again today. Maybe should ask quack to give me something to help me sleep. Maybe a labortamy to stop my head from thinking when all is quiet.
xxoo
Sunday, March 28, 2004
For all you ebay freaks have a good laugh at this
Spending night de stressing looking around net and entering in as many comps so that I can win stuff. Maybe sell it on ebay. lol
What an incredible last few days. I wanted something different in life and I got it.
Friday I worked and that was different. Bos and I were going to sort stuff out. We ended up doing different sorting as part of the shop got flooded out with water damage. Bit stressful at times trying to get things organised.
People thought I went a little strange when I started doing Luke Skywalker vs Darth Vader fights. I pretented I was Darth Vader with a broom trying to take someone's head off. hehehe. Some people thought I was messing around others did not. hmmmmm
Went out for dinner after that with some great company. I was nice having the night off. Glad I did cause I know that I would not have had an energy for my son.
Got asked a few thought proking questions. It is strange I canask people these questions and expect an answer, but when someone asked me I was lost for words. Ah well one way to shut me up I guess. lol Still thinking about the questions and how to answer them better if I get asked again.
Picked up Sir Muckus on Saturday and that was good for a bit. He did nothing but cry for 4 hours when he got home. It was like he was punishing me for having a night off. Nearly drove me to a point of insanatiy (more than usual).
Today he has been sorta better. Wake up with huge rash on his little body. Keeping an eye on this today. Hoping it is just allergy thing cause that is what it looks like. But I know that I have 2 people that I can ring if I need help with anything.
Today just seems to be going so slow probably because of the time change. grrrr
Well off to watch Spiderman for the billionth time
xxoo
Thursday, March 25, 2004
The arvo was good today. Friends of mine and I did the usual "swap kiddy photos via email" thing. Most people on my email list get hit with new pics of my Angel. Have 1 pic of me on puter and heaps of him and other people. At least since re formate of puter got rid of all the naked men pics for a while.
Been a little tempremental with some stuff lately. Probably due to mixture of stuff going on.
But yesterday someone was pushing my buttons a bit too much as was lucky I am trying to get out of my feral state. In my feral state would have had no worries about hitting this person.
Anyone that attacks me as a parent deserves it though. Was ready to kill. I don't mind if someone says something that may be constructive, but destructive watch out. Just biting my time cause it should all settle soon. grrrrr. Just find other means of venting instead. Hence all the house work. Even started cleaning the walls at 11pm.
ah well time for me to do a few more things and then off for sleepies.
xxoo
Why is it when men get the flue they get no-one pregnant, but when women get it they are at higer risk of it. grrr. Nature shit like that sucks.
Lashed out and did more house work last night. Hmmm. Think people are bugging me a bit too much at the moment. Someone said something yesterday that really gave me the shits.
Kept my mouth shut till I got home and the house got clean. Could have gone for stiff drink. lol. After house work done turned up music loud in my room (as load as you can get playing music through TV and playstation) and zoned out. Was nice doing that and laying there in the dark.
Well off to ponder some shit somewhere somehow, blah blah blah. Get things ready for tomorrow.
growl for me and make it loud. Grrrrr
xxoo
Monday, March 22, 2004
How to keep one little boy amuzed. Play this song.
Spiderman, Spiderman Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web any size Catches thieves just like flies
Look out, here comes the Spiderman
Is he strong? Listen Bud He's got radioactive blood
Can he swing from a thread ? Take a look overhead
Hey, there! There goes the Spiderman
In the chill of the night At the scene of a crime
Like a streak of light He arrives just in time
Spiderman, Spiderman Friendly neighborhood, Spiderman
Wealth and fame, he ignores Action is his reward
Look out, here comes the Spiderman
Spiderman, Spiderman Friendly neighborhood, Spiderman
Wealth and fame, he ignores Action is his reward
To him, life's a great big bang up Whenever there's a hang up
You'll find the Spiderman!
That is the start up music for my puter. Shut down is "Save the world, loose the girl". hehehe
Ah gotta spoil little men when they are sweeties. He has been great this weekend. He has been looking after me alot as much as a nearly 3 yo can do.
Someone said to me on Thursday that I need a man to take care of me, but I have one. hehehe
He was sweetie with attempting to make me coffee (I think it was that), giving me his favourte toy, attempting to give me his medicine even though I was still asleep and keeping himself amuzed with tv and giving me a little sleep in. Not too sure about cars on my head though.
TTFN
xxoo
Friday, March 19, 2004
What a week. Glad that it is finally over. Busy and good but ended it with being sick. Grrrrr. Oh well kid gets sick then so do I. Comes under the shit happens thing I think.
Worked extra 4 and a half hours this week. Was only ment to be 3 but hey the extra cash comes in handy. Exspecially when opened mail for the week and had 3 disconnection notices. Triple grrrr.
Be glad of working the extra on Friday too. Boss is appartenly giving me bonus cause I messed up good. Someone came in to sell some figures on Tuesday. I offered him $25 and he was happy with $20. Boss was happy cause the set of 5 out of the 7 that they guy sold the business is worth $200. Good thing I know shit sometimes.
Looking foward to next Friday night off. Hmm might have to find something to do since kid free.
Ah time for sleepies for me.
xxoo
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
I feel like I could easly sleep for about a year. Hmm Wonder if things in the world would be better. Probably not.
Today was good and busy. Was a bit wiped out for some of it but hey shit happens. Would love to curl up in bed all day tomorrow but got things to do so better not. Think I enjoyed my own day off a bit too much.
That was great. Ignored all forms of contact with people. Just chilled out infront of idiot box and remebered why it is I don't watch day time tv.
One guy got tacky at me today cause I would not give him cash for dvd's. Told him not risking my job for him. Fuck it. This twit not going to pay my bills. He came back later and was not happy cause boss did not give him what he wanted. Not my problem. People should not attempt to annoy me when feeling a tad hormanal. Or when I have not had enough coffee. hehehe. Pretty much same thing.
well kid is finally asleep so think I may cruise there myself. Ahhh bed to myself tonight. hmmmm. Only perk of being single sometimes.
Nity nite and don't let the bed bugs bite
xxoo
Monday, March 15, 2004
Decided to stay home today. Had horrid sleep over weekend. Last night was the worst when I woke up this morning with blood under my nails. Been ages since that happened.
Last time that happened freaked both ex and I out. Dreamt of friend committing sucide by cutting her throat. Went over to her place and her charming boyfriend had put knife to her throat that night. Good thing it was winter cause could hide all the scratch marks.
With the markings I woke with this morning I know what they mean. Not happy about that. Had a suspicion this "thing" was happening, but now I know for sure.
Apart from feeling hell tired today and stull unwell, going to do things for me. Been ages since I had time out for things I want to do. Any time I want to do things for me I am way too buggered at night.
Deciding if I want to go drinkies with the boys again this Friday. Sister is trying hard to set me up with a few single people that her boyfriend knows. Gotta love her for trying. lol.
She keeps telling me it is time to stop eating from all you can eat and settle on main meal. She said the Meatloaf concert was ok, but glad that she did not pay out the $100 for the ticket. I would have liked to have gone to that one and the John Farnham one. Yes I am closet Johnny fan. Shoot me know if you choose. lol.
Time to get out of this room. Bloody Celine dion again. Think might break into idiots house and destroy his cd player and play frisby with the dog with cds. grrrr.
ttfn
xxoo
Saturday, March 13, 2004
This weekend is shapping up a little better. Still a little mind boggling.
Mum has offered to give me night off next Friday since I am working a little later than usual. Wow might experience a sleep in. Depends might just pass up on offer. See how the rest of the week goes.
A very good friend of mine just sent me email about person I may be able to help out. In other words this one email could help out a few other people too. So me is happy about that. Time to muster up some more contacts again. hehehe
Well nearly time for the footy.
GO THE SAINTS!!!!!!
ttfn
xxoo
Friday, March 12, 2004
Do you ever get the feeling that someone is lying to you, but you are not sure which person it is? And you want to believe one, but there is nagging feeling that is not sure. And you know someone is out for self gain and trickery, but unsure which one it is?
Nothing to exciting to report. Me is happy cause picked up 1 days extra work. Angel and I played on puter last night looking at Spiderman. He was happy little boy when he saw Spiderman on puter this morning. Ah love this age they are so easy to please. hehehe
Even the dog was easy to please yesterday. Bought him a pigs head to chew on and he is hapy puppy.
Hmm time to find something to do
xxxooo
Tuesday, March 09, 2004
What a day. For the first time in god knows how long might go to bed before midnight. Feeling very tired tonight. So much I forgot my password to this and had to get them to email it to me. grrrrr.
It wasn't the work that made me tired it was the tension filed air. Ohhh that was good. And from what the boss was saying today the shop will no longer be there by the end of the year. Will think about that one if and when it happens.
Got all clucky again today with baby chatter. I gotta stop doing that. Hence trying to sell all my baby stuff so that I won't. Talked to the guy who fixed my puter and him and his Mrs are very interested. She is 3 months along.
How sneaky are the Government. Got a "survey" through from the Housing Trust about how many people live at my address. The only thing is they do not put what they do know. Wonder how many other people they will catch on that one. I knew of some people that got caught like that. Not that I have anything to hide in that respect. I just got on good terms with them after the ex stuffed that up. Not going to stuff that up now.
well time for shower, book reading for a whie and bed. Handy hint. If you want to increase your vocabulary or heven for bid spelling (hehehe) you are ment to read at least 30 mins a day. Guess it all depends on what type of book you read. Some of my books would increase some words but not the type you would really say in public. hehehe
Nity nite
xxoo
Monday, March 08, 2004
I think I have finally got this thing up and running back to semi normal again. Just have to find some games to put on it now. hehehe. But most important got the chat thing going. More cheap entertainment comming up. lol
Today was nice and different. Was sociable. I like my sociable days.
Got told today that my lack of sleeping is due to too much coffee, booze and chocy. All the things in life that add up to healty diet. hehehe. I have coffee to get over hang over and lack of sleep, I have booze to block things and to help me sleep, and chocy well just replacement for lack of "comapny" and good internet food.
I see no problems with any of that. As one friend said they are the things in life that keep us sane and are our gods. hehehe
Well off to get another cuppa
Nite nite
xxoo
Saturday, March 06, 2004
What a horrid week it has been. One of those ones I should have stayed in bed.
First part of the horrid time was last Saturday. Puter died. Been totally lost without that. Cutting off my life line. Thank god fixed now. Hard drive had bad sectors in it and Windows crashed. My Sister's Boyfriend's friend fixed it up for me. Went up there last night for a few drinkies. Hmmmm.
Sunday my TV has decieded it will not switch off unless I switch it off at the power point. grrrrr.
Monday was sick as a dog. My Angel was great he kept giving me his fav toy all night and crawled into bed with me and watched tv and fell asleep there. Did not have the energry or the heart to move him.
Tuesday I fell over and did my ankle and a few other brusies. That was nice and comfy on the way home on 3 buses. grrrr
Wednesday I stayed away from most people and things. But it was plensant day apart from taking 2 hours to get home. I gotta work on getting my licence.
Thursday only went out of house to do shopping. But was way behind in that effort cause the phone would not stop ringing for 3 hours. grrrr.
Friday I should have stayed off the phone. Dam government. Not really worth me going back to work at all. With my job one day a week, one week I pay the tax man and the next I work for me. On the plus side I get some of it back at tax time.
Then went out and had many drinkies, good convo and bbq. could not believe that Angel stayed up till 2.30am. I was great hanging out with the guys and mucking around.
At least male friends are more real than female friends.
Time to reboot this silly thing since microsoft finished its crap. Then can put other programs on. grrrr
Nite nite
xxoo
