Wednesday, December 31, 2003
Well another NYE in front of puter. What an exciting life I lead.
Well had a good day. Apart from getting a year older, spent it with friends. Ok typing going to be off cause a few too many drinkies. lol
Day started off a bit crappy. Mum rang and was hit with gastro. Got to bus stop and relised no money for bus. Bought ticket and that did not work. Found out money missing from account. grrrr. Day could only get better. Did a few bits and pieces and got my hair cut. Lots of smsing. Lunch with a friend and lovely sms came though which really brightened my day.
Wish that person was here now, but hey. That is me being selfish. That is the one sucky part about having birthday today. The ones you really want around on hollies. There are many fun people I would have wanted around today, but all away. Shit happens.
Sister wanted big deep and meanfuls tonight. She hit a nerve that nearly broke me. Hate it when people do that. Two people nearly did that today. grrr. At least one has no idea.
Well time for me to get another drink and sign off for the night before I dribble too much more
Happy New Year to all.
Tell that special person you love them not cause your drunk or it is new year but because you believe it and want to.
xxxooo
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
Well I am dog tired but can not sleep. Not sure if it is because of the heat of thehouse or the fact way too high on life. Maybe a mixture of both. lol
Got a great feeling that the new year will see a lot of great new beginings. Pulling me out of a bit of uncertainy that I have had this year and a lot of self doubt.
I feel a little guilty being like this as I now things are not so good for my sister (even though she will not admit it) and I know my mum is lonely. Stubboness runs in the family. But appartently I am the most stubbon of them all. Ahh the goat in me. lol
My sister wanted everything to be great with her and her boyfriend. She moved in with him a few months back. But sister intuition tells me not all is good as she hoped.
My mum met a man but she is not sure. I can understand this from her. The guy that she met does not look after himself well with his health issues and I think the fact that the he is talking marriage so quick scares her a lot. And when he said to my Angel come to Grandpa on Xmas day really got her thinking.
But even though all this is happening to them it is time for me to become a little selfish and look after my Angel and I for a change. Or mainly myself. I don't usually do that. It is always home (Angel), then family, then friends then me. I have always been like that. A bumped into a teacher of mine and he asked what I am doing with myself and told him I was a mother. He said that he knew I was always the mothering type cause I looked after everyone else before myself. Someone once said this was a good quailty to have, but can also be a downfall. He said it was a downfall cause you forget how to look after yourself and not sure what to do when someone else wants to look after me. And yes this person was right. Another very bad habbit I have to attempt at breaking. Not completely but just a little. Give some poor guy a little slack so that he does not feel pushed out or useless in my life.
I do relise that with always being so independant I have picked up many bad habbits. But with a very patient person and one that is not scared to speak up I know that I may be able to break some of these bad habbits.
Well enough of my rabbling. Easy to see why I filled 4 books of thoughts this year. lol
Give someone near you a cuddle cause a cuddle says a lot more to the other person than you relise.
Nite nite all
xxxooo
Monday, December 29, 2003
Well another day just about at its end. It was good apart from two idiots that tried had to annoy me. One I told to grow up. He always pisses me off cause he is breathing and the other told him thanks but no thanks.
He tried hard at an attempt of trying to smooth his wy back here and I asked him what part of the word no does he not understand. Even after "firm" chat still tried at least one more time before I made sure he got on bus back home. Ah another to add to the ignore list. Good thing for technology. Can loose people really well. lol. Does not know my new mobile number, does not know my home number and has other email addy not the one I give most people.
But spent time with friends and know that one of them is up to something for my b'day. She is a ratbag. Booked myself in for much needed haircut. Not going to make at least 2 people very happy, but hey. Not here to make everyone else happy. lol. It will grow back fast so they should not fret too hard. And to my shock horror I found a grey one today. ahhhhh
Grey hairs on a female looks tacky, but grey hairs on a male looks heaps sexy. Hmm wonder why that is. Who knows. Ah that one hair must have been the stress of Xmas, or maybe knowing that I will be facing idiots today. lol
Time to go and be big kid and watch Wiggles.
Luvies to you all
xxxooo
Sunday, December 28, 2003
Well tomorrow should be fun. Time to do the nice but firm way of telling someone to bugger off. The whole "let me shoe you how much I care by giving up a special b'day pressy" did not sit well with me. Yes most of my mates are male. To me if mates care they respect things and don't offer themselves like that. It shows me total disrespect. So tomorrow he will be told thanks but no thanks and it will be the last time we ever speak. He had 3 chances and this is the biggest one he has blown.
Can't be out and out mean (unless it is my neighbour or my ex then no worries). He has a lot to learn about people. And the fact he makes me feel old and he is 2 years younger than me is a real worry.
I met him off icq and had been speaking to him since November last year. Met him and he seemed to have more in common with my sister so tried to set those two up. But it did not work. We end up chatting more on line than off. Last time he was here I kept my mum, sister and another friend that rang on the phone just for so relief. Even nipped outside and talked to people to keep them on the phone longer.
I think it was the comment he made tonight of the fact he had seen men come and go and why did I think this one was any different. And the comment of what he does not know will not hurt him. In the past year I have been with 3 men. One was just a one night fling, the other was a 3 month fling and the other I am still seeing. My year is from Dec last year to this year.
Although I should yell at himor something, the whole part about doing something like this the smart way is to say it nice but firm with a smile. Leaves them very confused. I only yell at people at my house behind closed doors. The one of the very few times I have more class than arse. lol
There is nothing worse than people pretending to be a mate and disrespecting everything that you say, do and think. It is almost as bad as people making assuptions as the type of person that you are. I don't like to make a full assesment of people (If that is what you can call it) till at least the second time I meet them. One person made assumptions of me after 30 mins and could not have been further off the mark. Could have been angry about it, but no point. Just shows their ignorance. "Knowing ones ignorance is knowledge, and knowledge is power". So really who has the upper hand??
That is like these guys that say that I am looking for someone to take care of me and my Angel, marry them and take half or most of everything. IF and only IF I ever got married and it did not work out I would only take what I put in. Fair is fair. I offered my ex heaps of stuff when I kicked him out, but as he said he can not fit much into a caravan and I was the one that provided the house with all the stuff. He even left his half his clothes and other things behind. I still have them here just incase he comes back for them.
I only get revenge on people if the super piss me off. You have to push me pretty hard for that. I have only done revenge on two people in my life. Should have been two more, but carma got one of them anyway. Just waiting for the other one. "Those that live in the past rob the future". Rather spend my engeries best else where. Moving foward in life. Thier day will come. Someone once asked me if I could come back as anything what would it be. Easy. A bird. Cause then I can get away with shitting on people that shit on me. lol
Well time to attempt to get some sleep in this hot house. Look half way human for tomorrow. grrrr
Nite nite to you all
Hope you all have super days and there is someone that makes it brighter even if they just smile at you.
xxxooo
Give your Pookie a great cuddle
Just trying to fill in some time for my Angel to go to sleep then I can go and watch dvd. So thought I would share a few of my favorite haunts of websites.
emailcash - Got a few bargans here and scored points while shopping. Got nice bonus of $50 gift voucher. Came in real handy just before Xmas.
Ebay - Where I pick up bargans and earn a little extra cash.
Lotus Tarot Cards - Just to see if what they think comes right.
Inkworks - Cause I collect cards, not that they have Garfield cards there.
Adelaide comics and books - Always good to learn something new and different. Keeps this little brain active.
Dvd Price Crawler - Cause I love a good bargan and can do a little scamming with this. hehehe
Cosmopolitan - See how much I suck at their tests/surveys. lol
Garfield site - But of course
Yep I spend most of my nights on the net. I need a life
Well it is that time of year to reflect on it. This year has been up and down with more ups than downs which is always a bonus.
The downs were lack of money and all bills going up. grrrr. Learning that people I thought were friends were really users. And the worst part was people trying to tell me I was a rotten mother for one reason or another. I nearly believed them too. But that is where my plus part of year leads to. And their were family agruments that have finally finished.
The best part was my ex not seeing my Angel anymore. Now I have a happy and confindent child who is now starting to relate to males again. He used to sit and scream at them cause my ex was hurting him. He was very withdrawn and had no self confindance. Now he gives cuddles and kisses (as well as love recieving them), he has taken on leader role, has a best friend, and will play with adult males. No longer scared of them.
The other best part of my year was meeting two lovely people that are great mates. I can talk to them about anything. One has even helped me over come a lot of fears and self doubt. I know I still need a little more work, but don't we all. And I got in contact with my best friend from high school again.
He was like my rock at high school. He is one of the very few people that know me very well. When ever I was a little down he would just look at me and say lets go for walk and he would get it out of me. He learnt all my quirks and perks. I had 3 ex boyfriends that were threatened by him. They would say it is him or me. My theory is that men will come and go but friends will be there well after they have gone. One ex made this decision with out me knowing and only now we have put two and two together. He was like my slightly younger brother. He is one of the very few people to see me break down. They say in life you have many friends, but true friends you can count on one hand.
My other two great friends that I have met this year I met through other friends. I met this one by chance. Right time and right place thing. And through this friend I met another really good friend.
The really good friend that I met by chance will name them X. I refuse to put names on here as I respect people privacy as well as my own. Anyway X has been helping me out alot even though X does not know it. Chatting to X has helped me over come a lot of fears and self doubt. And also helping me to push myself out of the boundries. I respect X alot for this. I just hope that some day I can do the same back or at least show my thanks. I have not known X all that long, but X is very much like my other buddy and knows me well. Even better than I relised.
My other friend who I will name A is also a good friend. A and I talk about all sorts of stuff. Everything from shop stuff to men stuff. When we can't talk about some stuff cause some people that should not hear might we go and have lunch or chat on line. A listens to my rants and I listen to A's. It is a good give and take thing.
Through these two people I am learning to trust people again. Not be so stand offish with people. I had two really good friendships last year that turned really sour and that made me kinda go into a shell. Hide from everyone.
My other great friend even though never layed eyes on B is my email friend. B is super too. We met on a web site and I bought something from B and have kept in contact since. I can send B a nice lengthy email and B will read between the lines. I also send B pics of people and B tells me what B thinks of them.
I feel very lucky to know these people. They say you meet people for a reason. Whether it is to help them out or to learn more about your inner self who knows. But how many people do you truely know that will stick by you through thick and thin that is not family. I know 4 people and am very greatful for that.
If they ever read this you know who you are and a huge thanks to you all for everything. xxxooo
Saturday, December 27, 2003
For those that had the unfortant torture of reading last nights blog I apoligise. I was in a drunken stuper and now have deleted it so not to inflict pain on anyone else. I know that it is not un usual for people to be in a drunken stuper for this time of year. We all do it for many reasons. Mine was to block. Not to face what it there. Many people do it so I know that I am not alone on this one. And for this reason I have decided to lay off the booze tonight and confront what is within. This is also my new years resolution. To stop hiding
Ok let me tell you a little about me. I am 26 yo that has been blessed with the greatest gift of all. My Angel. I believe that kids are here to teach us something about ourselves. Mine has taught me alot. They help us to strenghten our weakness and slightly change our strengths.
My major weakness was not stepping out of the comfort zone when it came to life partners. It was because of my Angel that he showed me that the person that I was with was really a drop kick.
Why is it we go for comfort. Easy. Cause it is just that. Easy. No-one to push our boundries. It is a nice easyish ride. But when confrounted with stepping out of the boundry we back off.
This time last year I went back onto the "dating" sence if you can really call it that. Was more like chatting to people, knowing them a bit then casual sex and when I either got bored with them or they hit something to close knew that if I said I wanted more than just casual sex they would run. Again comes down to the boundry thing. But always felt I wanted more.
It all came down to the simple fact. I am scared of being alone, but scared of being hurt or used. Why is it that we are all like that? We all want to be with someone, but very few of us are willing to take the risk. That is something that I hope to change very soon.
When ever I am confrounted with a serious question I joke it off looking like a dumb female that can not be taken seriously. And when someone gets close do everything I can to push them away. Anything I can to make sure that they don't get any closer. Even though I want them around.
Last night I was asked a serious question and I joked it off. I have wanted to "take the risk" but always found some excuse not to. So now it is time for me to stop playing the fool and change this. How can I be honest about stuff if I can not be honest with myself. If it means that I get hurt then so be it.
This person has made me come out of the comfort zone so now it is time I came all out of the way. As one sports slogan said. No pain no gain. I may have read all the signs wrong, but if I don't step out and explore the zone I will be left with the egg on my face. I may loose what could be a second blessing out of stupid pride and fear.
So why don't we all do ourselves a little something for ourselves. Step out and explore. It might just surprise us all.
Hi People. Lets go on the wild ride of what is in this twisted little mind. hehehe
